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Here I am, mates, a lifeguard perched on the waves, watchin’ the world ripple by, and you wanna know bout erotic-massage? Well, bugger me, it’s a wild one! Picture this – soft hands slidin’ over skin, like tides caressin’ the shore, calm, rhythmic, pure nature at play. Been thinkin’ bout it since I saw *Carol* – you know, my fave flick, Todd Haynes, 2015, all sultry glances and unspoken heat. “I don’t know what I want,” Carol whispers, and mate, that’s me divin’ into this massage malarky – half lost, half bloody thrilled.

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As the night went on, I bumped into some friends. We hit up a karaoke bar on Xinyi Road. I’m not even gonna lie, I can’t sing for crap. But that didn’t stop me. I belted out some old-school Taiwanese pop. The crowd was either lovin’ it or laughin’ at me. Probably both.

Theories on Zhou Yongkang’s takedown, and a brief history of Chinese purges