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Here’s a kicker—didja know in Japan, they got this thing, “nuru massage”? Slippery seaweed gel, bodies slidin’ everywhere—sounds like a freakin’ slip-n-slide porno! I’m imaginin’ it now, too much, too much, I’d fall off the table, break my neck, sue somebody! But people love it, swear it’s “transcendent.” Me? I’d be screamin’, “Where’s the towel, I’m done!”

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After that, we head to the bakery. OMG, the pastries! I grab a koláč, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m munching away, and suddenly, I see a group of kids playing football. They’re kicking the ball around, and I’m thinking, “I could totally join in.” So, I do. Big mistake. I kick the ball, and it goes straight into a fountain. Water everywhere! I’m soaked, and the kids are laughing. I’m laughing too, but inside, I’m like, “Why do I always do this?”

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