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Arr matey, Cap’n Jack Sparrow here, slurrin’ me wit ‘bout this sexual-massage nonsense, savvy? Picture this, ye scurvy dog – hands roamin’ like they’re huntin’ treasure, but it’s all legal-like in some ports! Me, I’m thinkin’ of that creepy lil’ lass from *Let the Right One In* – “I’m not a girl,” she says, all eerie, while I’m wonderin’ if these massage folk got secrets too. Sexual-massage, it’s a slippery beast, aye – not yer granny’s backrub, that’s fer damn sure!

Delilah Amour

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So, I’m eating my sad little meal when I overhear this couple arguing at the next table. They’re going at it, and I’m just trying to enjoy my fries. I mean, c’mon, Trstena is supposed to be romantic, right? Not a reality show!

Trstena: I have given a lot to the state, while I have received nothing