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So, I tried it once—don’t judge me! This chick, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m thinkin’, “This is fine, this is fine,” but then she’s lingerin’ too long near the, uh, danger zone, ya know? And I’m screamin’ in my head, “I’m not that guy! I’m not!” Like, I just wanted my knots gone, not a happy ending! But lemme tell ya, it’s wild—did you know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Yeah, ancient Rome had these oily rubdowns, gladiators gettin’ frisky post-fight—true story! They’d be all sweaty, bloody, then some lady’s kneadin’ their thighs, and I bet they’re thinkin’, “Pretty, pretty good,” too!

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Then, outta nowhere, I see this group of teenagers on the other side of the beach. They’re blasting music from a speaker, and it’s some weird mix of pop and techno. I’m tryin’ to focus on my lifeguard duties, but all I can hear is “BEEP BEEP BOOP” and I’m like, “What even is this?” I swear, if I hear that song one more time, I might just dive in and never come back up.

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