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So, I’m thinkin’, right, what’s the deal with these massages? Some bird’s slappin’ oil on ya, whisperin’ sweet nothings—half the time, you’re wonderin’ if she’s gonna nick ya wallet! Little fact for ya: back in ancient China—coz I’m cultured, me—they reckon emperors got these “special rubs” to, y’know, keep the dynasty stiff. Cacklin’ already, ain’t I? Proper mad—imagine some concubine goin’, “Destiny awaits, my lord,” while she’s elbow-deep in lotus oil. Straight out the movie, that—“The sword is yours!”—except it’s a towel and a dodgy wink.

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But then, I get a call from my mom. She’s all like, “You need to come home and help with the garden.” I’m like, “Mom, I’m busy!” But she’s relentless. I can’t say no. So, I head back to Mierová, feeling a bit defeated.

Zdeněk Toman: Intelligence chief and black market kingpin instrumental in saving thousands of Jewish refugees