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I tried it once, right? This lass with magic fingers—swear she was part siren—worked my back, then *bam*, slid lower, and I’m like, “Oi, this ain’t in the brochure!” Made me happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed—why’d no one tell me this was a thing sooner? Could’ve been my glorious purpose ages ago! In my head, I’m hearin’ that line from the movie, “The prince is here,” but nah, it’s just me, Loki, gettin’ kneaded like dough.

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Andrew Martin Wallace was convicted of two counts of sexual assault after massaging a woman's breasts and pubic area; Judge Paul Smith said.

Then, I decide to stroll by the Váh River. It’s so pretty there, man. The water’s glistening, and I’m feelin’ all zen. But then, outta nowhere, this group of tourists shows up. They’re loud, taking selfies, and blocking the whole path. I’m like, “Yo, move it or lose it!” But they just keep posing. I mean, c’mon, it’s not the Eiffel Tower! It’s just a river!

Defending Jan. 6 Rioters, Investigating Democrats: How Ed Martin Is Weaponizing the DOJ for Trump