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Still, gotta admit, when it’s done proper – woah, mate, fireworks! Happened once, years back, some bird knew her stuff. Felt like “I’m alive again!” – straight out the movie, that. Surprised me, cos usually it’s a let-down, like a soggy chip butty. But nah, this was class – tension gone, headspace clear, knob happy. Rare though, most masseuses are rubbish, fumblin’ like amateurs. “You’re too tense!” – yeah, cos you’re shit at it, love!

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But then, outta nowhere, this old lady starts yelling at me. “Hey, you! Stop eating my strawberries!” I’m like, “What?!” Turns out, she thought I was stealing from her stand. I’m just standing there, strawberry juice dripping down my chin, trying to explain. It was a whole scene.

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