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Oi mate, erotic-massage, yeah? What a bloody treat! Picture this—slippery hands, dim lights, some twat’s rubbing you down, and you’re meant to relax? Piss off! I’m lying there, thinking, “This is Joy from Inside Out, innit?” All happy and tingly, like she’s bouncing round me head! Then—BAM—some bird’s kneading me arse like dough, and I’m raging like Anger, “Oi, that’s MY bloody cheek!” Costs a bomb too, fifty quid for a fumble? Robbery!

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Finally, I get the mic ready. I’m pumped, adrenaline’s flowing. I start my pitch, and people are actually stopping to listen! I’m feeling like a rockstar. But then, outta nowhere, a pigeon decides my head is a good landing spot. I’m like, “No way!” I swat it away, and the crowd bursts into laughter. I’m dying inside, but hey, at least they’re entertained, right?

Martin Valjent signs for RCD Mallorca