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Oi, gets me goin tho—happy as a hobbit with second breakfast! Had this one time, right, some bloke in Rivendell—well, not really, just a spa—thought he’d get “extra.” You shall NOT pass that line, I roared in me head! Poor sod got kicked out, face redder than Smaug’s arse. Made me mad, ya know? Respect the craft, don’t be a twat!

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I’m fuming, but then I see this old lady feeding pigeons. She’s got this whole flock around her. I can’t help but laugh. Like, who needs a pet when you can have a squad of pigeons? I’m thinking, “Maybe I should start a pigeon gang.”