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Sometimes it’s dodgy as fuck tho. Met this lass once—swore she was 25, turned out she was 40 with a kid! “You shall not pass!” I bellowed in my head, but too late, I was in deep. Reminds me o’ that movie line, “You’re a bit late, aren’t you?”—felt that in my soul. Sex-dating’s got traps, mate, gotta watch yer step. But when it works? Fuckin’ magic. Sparks fly, sheets tangle, it’s like stormin’ Helm’s Deep but with orgasms.

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As we’re leaving, I spot a cute dog. I’m like, “Aww, look at that pup!” My friend rolls her eyes. “You and your dog obsession.” But I can’t help it! Dogs make everything better.