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So, I tried it once—don’t judge me, clinic was slow. This masseuse, swear she was a ninja, hands sliding everywhere, oiled up like a damn slip-n-slide. Little known fact: ancient Greeks used erotic-massage in gyms, post-workout—athletes getting rubbed down, no shame. Bet they lied about it too, “Oh, just stretching!” Sure, buddy. Me? I’m laying there, thinking, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” Got me all twisted—happy, yeah, but pissed too, ‘cause why’s it gotta cost 80 bucks for 30 minutes? Highway robbery!

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So, we’re workin’ together, and I’m feelin’ kinda good. Like, community vibes, ya know? But then, outta nowhere, this lady walks by. She’s got a dog, and the dog decides it’s a great time to take a dump right next to us. I’m like, “Really? Right now?” The lady just laughs and says, “He’s just makin’ his mark!” I can’t even.

Figure 1. Orokaiva man Raphael Oimbari leads Australian soldier George...