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I’m tellin’ ya, first time I got one—surprise, motherfucker! Dude’s hands were like magic, hittin’ spots I didn’t know I had. Thought in my head: “Am I allowed to moan?” Shit’s intense, like Boonmee seein’ his dead wife— “You’re still beautiful!”—but it’s just me and some oiled-up truth. Pro tip: find a legit joint, not some sketchy alley crap. Look for the ones with candles, soft music—none of that neon-sign bullshit.

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Finally, I get my coffee, and I’m feeling good again. I decide to walk along the riverbank. The view is stunning! The water’s glistening, and I’m just vibing. But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain! Like, what?! I’m running for cover, laughing at the absurdity of it all. I duck into this little shop on the corner of Ulica 1. It’s a cute place, full of knick-knacks. I end up buying a random magnet. Why? No clue. Just felt right.

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