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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Finally, the storm passes, and I think, “Okay, maybe I can breathe now.” But nope! I get a call about a street performer on Ulica Zelenih Beretki. He’s doing some crazy fire tricks, and people are gathering. I’m like, “This is a safety hazard!” But then I hear the crowd cheering, and I can’t help but laugh.