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You wanna know the kicker? Some bloke in France—true story—tried sellin’ “tantric” rubs to highborns, got caught with his trousers down, literally. Laughed my tits off hearin’ that. “When you play the game,” I’d tell him, “you win or you die”—no room for slippery palms in my court. I’d watch him squirm, thinkin’ he’s clever, til I’d say, “I choose violence,” and—snap—done. Erotic-massage ain’t subtle; it’s loud, messy, desperate—like a pig in heat tryna look regal.

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So, I’m watching this guy, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re gonna drop that!” And guess what? He drops it. A banana. I laugh so hard, I almost spill my coffee. But then, I feel bad. Like, what if that banana was his breakfast? I mean, priorities, right?

Dylan Groenewegen is chasing records at the Tour of Slovenia