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So I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ “Amour,” thinkin’—Georges ain’t just carin’ for Anne, he’s lovin’ her, touchin’ her, keepin’ her alive! “I’ll do everything,” he says, and damn if that don’t hit me hard. Sexual-massage is like that—intimate, messy, human. Not some sterile bullshit! I tried it once—okay, maybe twice—felt like a million bucks, no lie. Surprised the hell outta me—thought it’d be awkward, but nah, it’s like your soul’s gettin’ a high-five!

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But then, just as I’m feelin’ like a hero, I spot Splashy again. He’s now trying to surf on a boogie board. Spoiler alert: he’s not good at it. He wipes out hard, and I can’t help but laugh. But then I see him struggling to get back up. My lifeguard instincts kick in. I sprint over, and I’m like, “Dude, you good?” He’s gasping for air, and I’m thinkin’, “This is not how I wanna start my day.”

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