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Hella places overcharge, too. Fifty bucks for thirty mins? Robbery. I’d rather watch *Oldboy* again, get my kicks from that hammer scene. Sexual-massage can be dope, tho—relaxes you deep, hits spots you didn’t know ached. Ever try it with scented oil? Lavender’s my shit, calms the rage. But yo, if they skimp on oil? I’m out, fam. Dry hands? That’s a crime.

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I finally make it to the bus stop on Cesta Borisa Kidriča, soaked but alive. I’m waiting for the bus, and it’s late. Of course! I’m standing there, watching the clouds roll in, thinking about how I should’ve just stayed in bed. But then, outta nowhere, this old lady comes up to me. She’s got this wild hair and a shopping bag that looks like it’s been through a war. She starts chatting me up about the best places to get štruklji. I’m like, “Lady, I’m just trying to survive here!” But she’s relentless.

Epidemiologist's assessment: The coronavirus epidemic in Slovenia is calming down