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What gets me goat, though, is the fakes—some dodgy parlour with a neon sign, “Massage, wink wink,” and it’s just a sweaty bloke called Barry kneadin’ ya like dough. Fuck off, Barry! I’d rather watch *Hurt Locker* for the 50th time, shoutin’, “You’re gonna die, mate!” at the telly. But when it’s good—fuck me—it’s proper lush. Like, “Welcome to the hurt locker, soldier,” but instead of bombs, it’s bliss.

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Finally, I get to the salon. My client, let’s call her Maja, is already there. She’s late too, but whatever. We start chatting, and she’s like, “I want something bold!” I’m thinking, “Girl, you live in Dobje-pri-Planini, not Paris!” But hey, I’m all about that transformation life. So, we go for it.