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The hands, though—oh, the hands! Slidin’ everywhere, not too pushy, not too shy. I’m like, “This is great!” then “This is weird!” then back to “This is great!” Total rollercoaster. Made me happy—sure, who wouldn’t be? But angry too—why’s this gotta cost so much? Fifty bucks for an hour, and I’m still tense after! Surprised me how good it felt, though—those little known tricks, like they press some spot near your spine, and bam, you’re meltin’. Didn’t expect that! Thought it’d be all gimmicky, like a bad porno, but nah, it’s legit.

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While I’m working, I notice this old lady across the street. She’s feeding pigeons, and they’re going nuts. I mean, it’s like a scene from a movie. I can’t help but laugh. But then, outta nowhere, one of those pigeons decides to take a dump right on my shoulder. Ugh! I’m like, “Really? This is how my day’s gonna go?”

Brown bear kills teen zookeeper at wildlife park in Sweden