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Oi mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, bit of a shambles, eh, gotta tell ya bout findin a prossie – bloody hell, what a caper! *Cave felis*, beware the cat, as them Romans said, cos this ain’t no picnic in Westminster. Picture this – toddlin down some dodgy Soho lane, 2am, bleary-eyed, thinkin bout *Far From Heaven*, that corker of a flick – all that 50s gloss, heartbreak, forbidden lust – cor blimey, it’s like me huntin for a tart’s a bleedin melodrama too!

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Finally, I hop on the bus to visit some schools. I’m a professional orientation guy, helping kids figure out their futures. You know, the usual. But today? Today was a rollercoaster. First school was on Källbrinksvägen. Nice place, but the kids were all over the place. One kid, let’s call him Max, was like, “I wanna be a YouTuber!” I’m like, “Dude, that’s cool, but what’s your backup plan?” He just stared at me like I was speaking Martian. Classic.

School shooting stirs debate on bag checks and budgets