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Now, *Brokeback* – “there’s no reins on this one” – that’s erotic-massage for ya! No rules, just slidin’ about, oil slick as a politician’s promise. I reckon Ennis and Jack could’ve used a good knead, loosen up that angst. Me, I’d be rubbish at givin’ it – sausage fingers, all thumbs, I’d probs elbow someone’s spine out! Got me thinkin’, though – what if I’d tried it on me ol’ mate Dave Cameron? “Oi, Dave, fancy a rubdown?” He’d have legged it faster than you can say *Eton mess*! Made me chuckle, that.

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First call comes in at 8 AM. It’s this dude from Storgatan, right? He’s all frantic, like, “My cat’s stuck in a tree!” I’m like, “Bro, it’s a cat, not a rocket scientist.” But I help him out anyway. I mean, who doesn’t love a good cat rescue? I can just picture that fluffy little furball up there, judging its human. Classic.

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