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Alright, listen up, you degenerates! Sexual-massage—yeah, it’s a thing. I’m Dr. House, bone-cutter extraordinaire, and I’ve seen it all. Everybody lies, right? They say it’s “therapeutic,” but c’mon—those oily hands sliding everywhere? It’s foreplay with extra steps! Watched *A History of Violence* last night—Cronenberg gets it. “You’re trying to be someone else,” Tom Stall says. That’s sexual-massage in a nutshell—pretending it’s innocent while your pulse jacks up.

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But then, my phone buzzed. It was my boss. “We need to talk about your experiment.” Oh boy. I felt my stomach drop. I was like, “Great, just what I need.”