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Once had this bird—pro masseuse, yeah?—and she’s whisperin’ all sultry, “Relax, Mr. Bond.” Nearly lost it, mate—thought I’d died and gone to spy heaven! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who cares? It’s bloody brilliant—releases tension you didn’t know you had. Them nerves light up, zap zap, like a villain’s laser trap. Oh, and the oils—smell like sex and danger, my kinda mix. Ever tried it with a twist, like hot stones? Fuck me, that’s next-level—shocked me silly first time.

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Then, I see this couple on the rocks by the water. They’re all lovey-dovey, and I’m thinkin’, “Aww, young love.” But then, the dude pulls out a bottle of champagne. I’m like, “Seriously? You’re gonna pop that here?” Next thing I know, he’s sprayin’ it everywhere, and I’m dodgin’ bubbles like I’m in some weird action movie.

The Hives are playing at Kings Theatre in Brooklyn on September 24th