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Hey girlfriend, lemme spill the tea! Sexual-massage, y’all—it’s wild, okay? I’m a biochemist, so I geek out—how them hormones pop off! Oxytocin floodin’ the brain, dopamine screamin’ “Yes, honey!”—it’s science, but sexy science. Oprah-style, baby—I’m feelin’ it! “You get a car!”—nah, you get a release! Them hands workin’ knots, slidin’ with oil—stress gone, poof! Little known fact—ancient Egypt was on this! Pharaohs gettin’ rubbed down, sensual vibes—history’s freaky, y’all!

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I rush over, but there’s a line. A long one. Ugh. I’m standin’ there, gettin’ more impatient by the second. I overhear some guy talkin’ about how he’s gonna take me down. I’m like, “Bro, you don’t even know!” I mean, I’ve fought beasts, for crying out loud!

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