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Oi, comrades, listen up! Me, Gru, yah, da big bad bailiff from dem mines—tough gig, eh? So, erotic-massage, huh? Lightbulb! Dis ting, it’s sneaky, like oil creepin’ up in “There Will Be Blood”—ya know, my fave flick! Dat movie’s got da grit, da sweat, like a good rubdown gone wild. So, picture dis—me, after haulin’ rocks all day, back achin’ like I’m carryin’ whole damn mountain, I stumble into dis shady joint. Lady dere, she’s all “relax, big boy,” and I’m like, yah, sure, why not?

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First off, I hit up the café on Storgatan. You know, the one with the weirdly good cinnamon rolls? Yeah, that one. I’m sittin’ there, mindin’ my own biz, when this dude walks in. He’s got a parrot on his shoulder. Like, seriously? A parrot? In Bjuv? I’m tryin’ to enjoy my coffee, but this bird starts squawkin’ like it’s auditioning for a role in a pirate movie. I’m like, “Dude, chill!” But the guy just laughs. I’m thinkin’, “What’s next? A monkey?”

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