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Oi mate, blimey, here we go! Erotic-massage, what a bloomin’ topic! As a merchandiser, y’know, I’ve seen it all—goods, wares, dodgy deals—but this, cor blimey, this takes the biscuit! Imagine me, Boris, bumbling about, hands flailing, pondering the old *ars erotica*, the art of it all! Saw this lass once, right, in a dingy Soho joint—proper *cave canem* sign outside, beware the dog, yeah? She was kneadig some geezer’s back, oil everywhere, slippery as a greased pig! Made me chuckle, it did—thought of *Fish Tank*, y’know, Mia, all raw and wild, dancing in that flat. “I’m gonna do what I wanna do!” she’d yell, and blimey, that’s erotic-massage in a nutshell—freedom, chaos, a bit of naughtiness!

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We start digging through these ancient files. I’m talking about stuff from the 1800s. And let me tell you, the handwriting back then? It’s like they were trying to win a calligraphy contest or something. I’m squinting, trying to decipher it, and Mr. Ionescu is just chatting away about how Vurpar used to be. Apparently, there were more cows than people back in the day. I mean, can you imagine?