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Alright, pal, listen up. Sexual-massage? Oh boy, it’s a trip. I’m Dr. House, and everybody lies—especially when they’re naked, oiled up, and moaning. You think they’re there for “relaxation”? Ha! Gimme a break. It’s all about the sneaky thrill, the hush-hush vibes. Watched *The New World* lately—Malick’s 2005 gem, my fave—and it hit me. Sexual-massage is like Pocahontas and Smith, y’know? “A new world” of touch, all wild and unspoken. “What’s past is prologue,” right? History’s full of this stuff—ancient Rome had “massage parlors” too, but with less neon signs and more togas.

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Finally, I get to my first appointment. A wedding dress fitting. The bride is a total sweetheart, but her mom? Ugh, don’t get me started. She’s all like, “This dress is too tight!” I’m thinking, “Lady, it’s not the dress, it’s the extra slice of cake!” But I keep my mouth shut. Gotta keep it professional, right?

Robyn Klingler-Vidra and Ba-Linh Tran