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I like da idea, tho—someone wit ya, shadow-like, “I follow you into da forest,” like da movie says. But real talk, escort can be dodgy. Some get scammed—pay big, get nada. Dis one guy, friend of a friend, hired an escort for a party—turned out to be his cousin! Ha! Awkward as heck, he was red like borscht! Me, I’d rather stick to minions—dey dumb, but dey mine.

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, knocks over a stand of tomatoes. SPLAT! Red juice everywhere. I’m laughing, but the vendor? Not so much. He’s yelling in Romanian, and I’m just standing there, trying not to lose it. Tarlungeni, man. It’s a circus sometimes.

Romanian teenager dies of meningitis, 18 others hospitalized