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So, fave part? The buildup. Slow hands, dim lights, that “is this allowed?” thrill. Worst part? When it ends—ugh, rude! I’m sittin’ there, glowin’, thinkin’, “Can we rewind, or nah?” If you’re into it, go for it—just don’t expect Tony Leung to walk in. Tho, a girl can dream, right? Sexual-massage: 10/10, messy, hot, snarky-approved!

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We decide to meet up at a local pub on Strada Libertății. I get there, and the place is packed. Everyone’s talkin’ about the rain. I grab a beer, and Ion shows up. We start crackin’ jokes about my mudslide. I’m like, “Next time, I’ll bring a swimsuit!”

Italian law enforcers’ uniforms, made in Romania’s poorest region