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Funniest shit? They play whale sounds. Like, I’m butt-up, oil drippin, and it’s “WOOOOO” from the speakers. Absurd. Thought a dolphin was bout to join. Oh, and don’t get me started—some spots got “secret menus.” Wink at the receptionist, boom, extra spicy rubdown. Shady, but I respect the hustle. Pro tip: don’t ask for it upfront, they’ll act dumb. Play it cool, like you know the game.

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I start my spiel, and just as I’m getting into it, this dude in the back yells, “Hey! That’s my grandma’s vase!” I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s an auction, not a family reunion!” But he’s not having it. He storms up, waving his hands like he’s conducting an orchestra. I’m trying to keep it professional, but inside, I’m cracking up.

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