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Real talk, tho, I tried it once, yeah? Mate hooked me up with this lass—propa fit, hands like magic. She’s slidin’ them oils all over, and I’m like, “Bruv, this is peng!” Got me so relaxed I nearly fell off the table, swear down. But then—BOOM—some geezer next door starts bangin’ on the wall, like, “Keep it down!” Made me vex, fam! I’m tryna get my zen on, and this muppet’s ruinin’ it. “Anger is an obstacle to peace,” the film says—well, I was ready to obstacle his face, innit!

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Later, I meet up with some friends at a bar near the lake. We’re sharing stories, and I’m telling them about the bull. They’re cracking up! One of them says, “You should’ve challenged it to a dance-off!” I’m dying! Imagine me, a matador, busting moves with a bull.

All aboard: 7 steam train routes to discover Romania