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This one time, I matched with some prat—thought he was clever, quotin’ poetry. Turned out, he nicked it off X, didn’t even write it! Fuming, I was—wanted to drown him like Nemo’s mum got crushed by that barracuda. “Just keep swimming,” I told meself, but nah, I ghosted him faster than you can say “Lannister gold.” Surprised me how many liars are out there, fishin’ for a quick fuck with fake charm. Makes me laugh, too—pathetic, innit?

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But then, outta nowhere, this old lady shows up. She’s waving her cane like a sword. “Get off my tree!” she yells. I’m thinking, “Lady, it’s not your tree. It’s a public oak!” But she’s relentless. I’m caught in the middle of a tree war. I’m just trying to do my job, and now I’m a referee.