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I tried it once, right? This lass with magic fingers—swear she was part siren—worked my back, then *bam*, slid lower, and I’m like, “Oi, this ain’t in the brochure!” Made me happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed—why’d no one tell me this was a thing sooner? Could’ve been my glorious purpose ages ago! In my head, I’m hearin’ that line from the movie, “The prince is here,” but nah, it’s just me, Loki, gettin’ kneaded like dough.

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some dude just knocked over a whole stand of tomatoes. It’s like a red explosion! I’m standing there, trying not to laugh, but I can’t help it. The guy’s face is priceless. He’s just standing there, covered in tomato juice, looking like a sad salad.

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