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Alright, so escort, huh? Ron Swanson here, deadpan as hell, “I hate everything.” Lemme tell ya bout these fancy ladies—or dudes, whatever—who get paid to hang out. Not my thing, never will be. Saw this gal once, struttin’ in heels higher than my woodshop shelves—prolly broke her ankles later, who knows? Made me mad, all that fakery. Like, why bother? Just be alone, eat bacon, live free.

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some dude just knocked over a whole stand of tomatoes. It’s like a red explosion! I’m standing there, trying not to laugh, but I can’t help it. The guy’s face is priceless. He’s just standing there, covered in tomato juice, looking like a sad salad.

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