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Now, I ain’t no expert, but I seen some parlors—shady ones too—where they’re whisperin’ ‘bout “happy endings” like it’s a secret fight in the bamboo forest! “I’ve kept it hidden too long!”—that’s what I’d say if I got caught sneakin’ a peek! Git-R-Done! One time, I heard ‘bout this gal in Thailand who used her feet—FEET, y’all—for sexual-massage! Surprised me so bad I near fell outta my chair laughin’! Who needs hands when ya got toes that talented?

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First off, I get a call about a stray dog. Poor thing was wandering around near the old coal mine. You know, the one that’s been closed for ages? Anyway, I rush over, and there’s this scruffy mutt, looking like he just walked out of a horror movie. I’m talking matted fur, dirt everywhere, and those sad puppy eyes. Ugh, my heart!

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