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Now, I love “The Lives of Others”—that East German flick, 2006, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, masterpiece, right? There’s this line, “I want to know everything,” and damn, that’s sexual-massage vibes! It’s about listenin’ to the body, every twitch, every sigh—like the Stasi, but sexy, not creepy. I get all fired up thinkin’ about it—those billionaires hoggin’ private masseuses on yachts while we’re out here, stressed, hunched over, screamin’ for a touch! Makes me mad, folks, real mad—grrrr!—but then I imagine a good rubdown and I’m happy again, floatin’ on cloud nine.

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So, I’m sitting there, sipping my coffee, when I overhear this couple arguing. Like, seriously, it’s getting heated. I’m trying not to eavesdrop, but it’s hard not to. The guy’s all like, “You never listen!” and the girl’s like, “Well, you never talk!” I’m just sitting there, thinking, “Wow, relationship goals, right?”

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