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Bernie Sanders here, voice crackin’—Billionaires should not exist!—and ya know what? Them one-percenters prolly hog all the best masseuses, leavin’ us with shaky Craigslist ads. Pisses me off! Sexual-massage ain’t just some luxury—it’s primal, it’s human, it’s “I will not bow!” energy from that movie. Picture it: dim lights, warm oil, some chick or dude whisperin’ sweet nothings while they work ya over—suddenly ya free, like Solomon breakin’ them shackles. “My liberty is my right!” I’m yellin’ in my head, maybe out loud, whoops.

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Then, just as I’m getting into it, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and it’s a bunch of pigeons flying off. Turns out, some guy on a bike just wiped out on Strada Tineretului. I mean, come on! You gotta watch where you’re going! But hey, at least he wasn’t hurt. Just a bruised ego, I guess.

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