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Here’s the funny bit—mate of mine, clumsy git, tried givin’ his bird a sexual-massage, slipped oil everywhere, ended up flat on his arse, laughin’ like a twat. I’m cacklin’ just thinkin’ ‘bout it—growling, “You merely adopted the dark,” he didn’t, he adopted a bruise! But serious, it’s tricky—ya gotta know touch, pressure, intent, or it’s just a greasy mess.

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So, I’m chugging my coffee, right? And I spill it all over my favorite shirt. Great start, huh? I’m like, “Awesome, just what I needed.” But whatever, I throw on a hoodie and head out. The sun’s shining, and I’m thinking, “Maybe today won’t suck.” Spoiler alert: it did.