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So, check this—sex-dating’s been around forever, yo. Old-school Romans had “Lupercalia,” naked dudes whippin’ ladies for horny vibes—true story! Wild as my ass chasin’ bears! Makes me laugh, tho—modern apps ain’t much diff. Slide in DMs, pray for nudes, hope they ain’t a bot. Last week, matched this chick—profile said “loves hikes.” Thought, “Hell yeah, soulmate!” Turns out, she meant “hikin’ up her skirt”—FUCKED me up, fam! Had me madder than Hans Landa losin’ his strudel!

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So, I’m cruising down Strada Principală, right? Just minding my own biz, when I spot this old dude trying to cross the street. He’s like a turtle on a mission, slow and steady. I’m like, “C’mon, man, you got this!” But then, outta nowhere, a dog runs past him, and he jumps back like he just saw a ghost. I almost lost it! I mean, it’s just a dog, chill out, bro!

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