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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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But then, the food comes out. It’s this fancy dish, and I’m like, “What even is this?” I take a bite, and it’s… interesting. Not bad, but definitely not what I expected. I make a face, and my buddy just cracks up. “You’re such a foodie snob!” he says. Guilty as charged!

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