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But lemme tell ya, some of these profiles? “I love hikes and wine”—bullshit! They’re bangin’ in a Motel 6 by Tuesday! Reminds me of that line, “You sold me!”—like, who’s foolin’ who here? I tried it once—met this broad, Lisa. Hot, but clingy as fuck. Two dates in, she’s textin’ “Where you at, Tone?” I’m like, “I ain’t your slave, lady!” Dumped her faster than Paulie whacks a snitch.

I’M SIMONE

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But then, I trip over a stray cat. Seriously, Gaiseni, can we not? I’m on the ground, bowl rolling away, and I’m just laughing at myself. I’m like, “This is my life now.” The cat just looks at me like, “You good, bro?”