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So, picture this—I’m on Tinder, nasal voice in my head goin’, “Oh honey, he’s cuuuute!” But half these guys? Total schmucks. One dude sent me a eggplant emoji—classy, right? Made me so mad I nearly chucked my phone. “Be strict in your choice,” like that lady in “Ten” says, y’know? I’m picky, babe, ‘cause sex-dating ain’t just jumpin’ bones—it’s gotta click. Little factoid for ya: back in the ‘90s, folks used “personal ads” in newspapers for this crap. Can you imagine? “SWF seeks hot night”—so retro, I’m dyin’!

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So, I’m walking, right? Just minding my own biz, when I see this old dude trying to cross the street. He’s like, super slow, and I’m thinking, “C’mon, man, it’s not a marathon!” But then, outta nowhere, a dog runs past him, and he jumps back like he’s dodging a bullet. I almost lost it! I mean, who knew a dog could be a ninja?