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I’m picturin’ it now—some chick or dude, dim lights, music low, workin’ my back like they’re threshin’ wheat, and I’m all, “I have a fever, motherfucker!”—you know, like that line from the movie? ‘Cause it’s hot, it’s intense, it’s fuckin’ wild! Ever try it? Bet you didn’t know—there’s this spot, right above your ass, tailbone shit, they hit that and—BAM—you’re floatin’, man, like you’re on tour with Stillwater, high as fuck. Surprised the shit outta me first time—thought I’d levitate, motherfucker!

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But then, the wind picks up, and the kite crashes into a tree. The kid starts crying, and I’m like, “Oh no, not the feels!” I go over, trying to cheer him up. I’m telling him about my epic coffee spill and the pigeon attack. He laughs, and it’s like, “Okay, maybe today isn’t so bad after all.”

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