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Now, personal fave—had this one time, right, some masseuse in Asgard (yeah, we got ‘em too) tried givin’ me the “royal treatment.” Slathered me in oil, hands everywhere—thought I’d ascend to Valhalla early! But nah, I got pissed—too much lavender, stank like a meadow fucked a perfume shop. I’m yellin’, “I see a vast horizon!”—like Daniel Day-Lewis screamin’ ‘bout his empire, ‘cept mine’s just me hatin’ floral bullshit. Gimme somethin’ gritty, earthy—oil, not petals, ya dolts!

SENSUALISM

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off! I’m thinking, “Great, just what I needed.” We all pile out onto Strada Muncii, and I’m trying to keep my cool. But inside, I’m like, “This is ridiculous!” Turns out, it was just a drill. A DRILL! I could’ve been at the café on Strada Tineretului, sipping a coffee instead of standing outside like a lost puppy.

Student, 20, chokes to death while eating cereal just months before finishing university