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We shall fight the stiffness, lads! Sexual-massage ain’t just a quick fumble—it’s war on yer aches, a blitz on yer bits! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is livin’, this is art!”—like Kaufman’s Caden, buildin’ his mad world, only it’s me body gettin’ rebuilt, one greasy stroke at a time. “What is this?!” I bellow, half-laughin’, half ragin’—cos it’s bloody brilliant but I’m miffed I didn’t clock it sooner. Happy? Chuffed to bits! Angry? Only cos me missus never tried it!

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Then, the craziest thing happens. I get a call from a woman who’s lost her wedding ring. She’s on Strada Călărași too! I’m thinking, “What’s with this street today?” She’s sobbing, and I’m trying to calm her down. I’m like, “Ma’am, it’s just a ring! You can get another one!” But she’s all, “It’s not just a ring! It’s my life!” Okay, okay, I get it.

Ministry denies claims of Romania hosting clandestine Chinese police station