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Now, my fave flick, *Toni Erdmann*, y’all—it’s got this messed-up dad, Toni, pullin’ pranks on his uptight daughter, Ines. Sex-dating’s kinda like that, ain’t it? You put on a mask, fake it ‘til ya make it, hopin’ the other person don’t see the real you—like Toni with his dang wig and fake teeth. “Who needs enemies when you’ve got family?” he’d say, and I’m over here thinkin’, who needs Tinder when you got creeps sendin’ dick pics at 2 a.m.?

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First off, I hit up the local bakery on Strada Mureș. You know, the one with the best cozonac? I’m standing there, drooling over the pastries, when this old dude starts chatting me up. He’s like, “You know, back in my day…” and I’m just nodding, trying to be polite. But inside, I’m like, “Dude, I just want my sweet bread!” Finally, I grab my cozonac and bolt outta there.

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