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Sometimes I think, man, escorts got it figured out. Better than datin’ some naggy chick who’s all “Where ya been, Cartman?” They just show up, look hot, leave—boom, done! “Theodore, you’re my only friend!”—that’s me talkin’ to my imaginary escort pal. Ha! Oh, and get this—some escorts in Vegas? They got secret codes, like “roses” means bucks. Sneaky, huh? Surprised me, I was like “Whaaat, that’s genius!”

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And then, outta nowhere, I see this street performer. Dude was juggling fire! I mean, who does that? In Cristesti? I stopped to watch, and honestly, it was kinda dope. Made me forget my coffee woes for a sec. But then, BAM! He drops a flaming stick! Fire everywhere! People screaming, I’m just standing there like, “Is this a show or a disaster?”

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