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Alright, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, a Music Editor now, yesss, and I gots thoughts on them sex escorts. We hates it! Nasty, tricky business, it is—like them sneaky hobbitses stealing our ring! Watched “Let the Right One In,” best flick ever, and it’s got me thinkin’. That lil’ vampire lass, Eli, she’s all quiet and deadly, right? Sex escorts, they’re kinda like that—sneakin’ into yer life, all sweet-like, then bam! Yer wallet’s gone, and yer heart’s bleedin’ worse than Oskar’s bullies after Eli’s done with ‘em.

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But then, outta nowhere, it started pouring. Like, biblical rain. I’m talkin’ Noah’s Ark level. I ducked into a café on Strada Unirii. Ordered a coffee, and guess what? They messed it up. I asked for a cappuccino, and they gave me black coffee. I was like, “What is this, punishment?”