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Me? I’m picturin’ it like this—dim lights, slow jams, somebody’s hands knowin’ every spot, unlockin’ shit you didn’t know was locked. “What are you?” she asks in the movie, all confused and curious—same shit you thinkin’ when that massage hits different. Little fact for ya: back in ancient China, they called this “yang touch,” some Taoist cats swore it balanced your chi or whatever. Sounds dope, right? I’m like, sign me up, fo’ shizzle, balance my ass out!

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After I finally get it working, he’s all smiles. I’m feeling like a hero, right? But then, as I’m packing up, I drop my screwdriver. It rolls right into the gutter on Strada Tineretului. Ugh! I’m like, “Great, just great.”