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Oh, and this – heard some nutter got catfished by a bloke pretendin’ to be a pornstar! Showed up with roses, got a hairy arse in a wig instead! Laughed me tits off! Reckon it’s all a bit of a laugh, sex-dating – dirty, messy, fuckin’ brilliant. “Sharon!” – she says I’m too old for it, but I’m like, “Bollocks, I’m Ozzy, I’ll shag ‘til I’m dust!” What you reckon, mate? You swipin’ or what?

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First off, I hit the streets of Ciacova, right? I’m strolling down Strada 1 Decembrie, feeling all philosophical. You know, like, “Life is good, man.” But then, bam! A stray dog runs past me, barking like it’s auditioning for a horror movie. I jump like a cat on a hot tin roof. Not cool, dude.