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Hey pal, it’s Tina Fey here—yep, snarky as hell, “I can see Russia from my house!”—and I’m dishin’ on sexual-massage like it’s hot gossip. So, sexual-massage, right? It’s that steamy mix of rubdowns and, uh, happy endings—wink wink. I’m talkin’ hands slidin’ over skin, oils everywhere, tension meltin’ like Pocahontas gazin’ at John Smith in *The New World*. “The land is life,” she’d say—well, this is LIFE, baby, but with a naughty twist!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, biblical rain. I’m soaked, and the glass is slippery. I’m cursing under my breath, thinking, “Why do I even do this?” But then, I see the old lady smiling, and I’m like, “Okay, maybe this is worth it.”